I want to admit something. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. I can't possibly explain how confused I felt a lot of the time about the nature of reality and what is the "right" thing I should do. It was also the most emotional year I've ever had. I used to cry a handful of times a year. This past year I would cry almost daily. So I really want to help you avoid the confusion I felt by explaining how I overcame it in this blog, because I honestly feel more empowered and sure of myself now than I ever have.
First of all. Being happy is a choice, but sometimes being sad is easier. When I'm low, I'm low, as I said in my forum post about emotion. And all I could do is cry and cry until I felt better. That and write in my journal. My journal was my best friend last year, because the things I was going through were so intense I didn't even want to share them with my friends and family, because I didn't want anyone to worry. So, mom, I'm sorry if you are reading this now and feel bad that I felt so alone. But it's what I wanted, because I hate making other people sad even more than I hate being sad myself. Words can't express how much better I am now than I was at this time last year. When I say I had a kundalini energy awakening I mean I experienced in a night an opening of something deep inside of me that caused a surge of loving energy to surge through my body, resulting in the feeling of complete unity and joy and love unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I was laughing and crying at the same time and kept saying over and over that "I can't believe this is happening to me" I wrote in my journal that it was too overwhelming and that I wanted the feelings to go away by the next morning, since I had to go to school and was worried about acting strange. And that's when things started getting really really really weird.
Over the next few weeks it was as though my subconscious mind had taken control over my body. I started writing messages to myself that I believed were from some sort of spirit or God or something else that were scary to the point that I actually believed I was going to die and didn't want to sleep because I was scared I would die in my sleep. I even wrote a journal entry to my family on boxing day about how I was going to die, but it was ok because I was doing it because God wanted me to. I never would have done anything to harm myself, but I thought God was going to kill me in my sleep by a brain aneurysm. I believed this because that day, for no apparent reason one of my brothers said "you know that old nursery rhyme that was about about the old man who knocked his head, and went to bed, and didn't wake up in the morning, that's pretty strange, must have been a brain aneurysm or something", and that was after I'd already been thinking I would die in my sleep. Then the next day I was still alive and I thought I have one day left to spend with my family, so we went hiking and I made sure to spend time with each of them because I knew that that night was going to be the night God killed me. Then the next day I was still alive but thinking I was going to die in my sleep. But I went to bed anyways and woke up to an earthquake and my mom shouting at me to "wake up". It was the most afraid I've ever been in my life. Thinking I was going to die and my family would have to find me laying in my bed, dead. At the same time that all that was happening, I experienced multiple "emotional wounds" come up from my past - things that I'd never paid enough attention to at the time they happened, so I had to "cry real tears to heal the rips". And sometimes I even thought my parents and family were in on it. I thought they all knew that this is just something I had to go through. That eventually everyone has to become comfortable with the idea of their own death and that this was just my time. And in my experience, all these things, even my family acting like they were strangers, were completely real to me. But almost as scary to me as my fear of being killed in my sleep was my fear that I was actually just schizophrenic.
I've always been proud of the way my mind works. I admit that learning has always been an interest of mine and I never found school very hard. Growing up my family would have discussions around the dinner table about interesting topics and I loved coming from a "smart family". So the idea of losing control of my mind was, next to death, my greatest fear. So I was also grieving for my own loss. The loss of my life that I'd believed was promising. And also for the way my family would feel to see me and what my life would turn into. I've always also been scared of insane asylums, so the thought of spending the rest of my life in one as a doped up schizophrenic actually made me consider killing myself.
But I was fortunate. Because I'd studied neuroscience and I knew about the brain. And I refused to accept that I was crazy, because along with all the craziness, came a new found ability to express myself, especially in writing, which has always been easier for me to do as an introverted person. So I would tell myself over and over that it's ok to cry because I was releasing pent up emotion. I'd read the book "Ingenious Pain" by Andrew Miller when I was younger and it was eerie how similar what I was experiencing was to what happened to the character James Dyer in his book. But I also believed in kundalini energy awakenings and that people were able to do incredible things when they learned to control this newfound energy. So even though I was in a constant battle with my mind, I would tell myself it's part of the healing process. Not only that but I started to notice coincidences more and more, to the point that I couldn't ignore them anymore. Information just falling into my lap that supports the ideas I talk about on this page, and it's still happening now. I also had the ability to know what was coming in a book I was reading. I would write extensively in my journal about a certain topic, then I would open the book and the author would be discussing the very things I had just written about. I'm a scientist. And that is not a coincidence.
Munch's "The Scream" accessed here http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20160303-what-is-the-meaning-of-the-scream
The saddest thing is, the only thing that's different between my state of being now, and my state of being last year, is that I'm more certain now that I'm not psychotic than I was then. And I'm more certain now that I am in control of my life circumstances, and of my emotions, and of my mind. It all comes down to choice. Believe me. You don't want to be confused. So I encourage you to figure out exactly what it is that you want and to do, and you will get it. I also want to talk more about mental illness, but I'll do that in a future blog post. Because I'm starting to believe that even schizophrenia can be unlearned. But only if the person can believe that they're not psychotic/depressed/mentally or emotionally unstable, which I know all too well is an incredibly difficult thing to do when you're in the midst of it.
And one last thing. It's a lot easier to control things under your own control specifically - things that you can take actionable steps to achieve - than to chose to believe in things coming to you. I believe it is possible for things, like information, and snowboard boots, and other objects to be manifested. But I'd rather get what I want now instead of waiting around forever. There's no time like the present, as they say. And I'm sick and tired of being patient.